Dirty Little Secrets

Normally I am a nice loving person who cares about the entire world, is socially conscious and recycles. I can get along with many different types of people and can learn from everyone. I read Newsweek and listen to NPR. I take my job seriously and work hard. But deep down, I have these tendencies that aren’t so fabulous.
So these are the things that I try to keep hidden from the world – but I fear that they are not really that secret.

Given any opportunity, I like to perform. Dancing, speaking, being goofy – love it all. I regularly try to remind myself that perhaps people don’t like watching me half as much as I like performing.

Little kids can get on my nerves. They are cute and all – but why can’t they talk? Or read?

My inner fascist would like everyone to have to get a license in order to be a parent. I know it is anti-democratic and elitist of me, but after seeing so many kids struggling to overcome abusive, or neglectful, or crazy parents, I would not have given them the license. But only I should be in charge of this license – because I wouldn’t abuse the privilege.

It’s obvious from the last one that I am arrogant. I learned freshman year in high school that is a good way to lose friends so I have tried to if not overcome it, than at least hide it.

I judge people based on their clothes. It’s superficial – I know.

I have a very low tolerance for stupid adults. If a kid is ignorant – that’s okay – it’s my job to help educate them. And if someone just doesn’t know something but is eager to learn, than I can deal. But people who are stupid and don’t care, or ignorant and love to demonstrate their ignorance, I have no desire to be around.

I like watching TV. And I don’t watch PBS. I like American Idol. And Friends.

I secretly wanted Bill Clinton to be impeached and convicted. I know that having an affair is by no means an impeachable offense, and I do not want to judge my leaders by their private lives, but I was so disappointed in him and other men I knew that they couldn’t keep their vows, I wanted him punished.

I’ve bought People magazine before. Several times. And the 20th Anniversary Special Edition of the Sexiest Man is still sitting on my bedside table.

I love gossiping. I know it’s bad. But any very interesting information about people and relationships I love to pass on. (So have you heard the rumor about Bush and Rice and Laura moving out? http://www.rense.com/general71/hotel.htm)

I loooove shoe shopping. In a weird way.

I share waaay too much about myself. And people I know. In middle school is when my friends became angry about it and I have worked ever since on not telling other people’s business – but it seems really hard to me. And I tend to share even more when I am nervous. Most people really don’t want to hear about my bodily functions.

I like hanging out with teenagers more than adults a lot. Which seems creepy – but it’s not. They are more fun. But both adults and teenagers probably think I am a loser because of it.

I think fart jokes are funny. And I think most poetry is boring. And classical music makes me fall asleep.

So am I an elitist boob or a superficial nitwit or an oversharing attention hog? Oh dear – I am so ashamed.

Don’t tell anyone. :)