Is There Something Wrong With Me That I Don’t Want A Baby?
Jeff in a comment wanted more personal stuff. So how’s this?
I am 34 years old and from what I understand I only have a few more years in which I can safely and successfully have a baby. I am happily married, we have bought a house, and we are managing our finances. I am a maternal person, and I have been told by several people (including students) that I would be a good mom. But I don’t think I want one.
I thought about it abstractly before we got married, not adversely. Then I forgot about in the wedding and honeymoon fun. It didn’t seem important.
The first sign of trouble was when I got back to work. I was astounded when acquaintances would ask me if I were pregnant yet. It made me want to ask them if they had started a diet yet.
Then the first holidays came up. My in-laws were clearly waiting for it to happen. My father also seemed impatient.
I am an ornery person. I regularly get turned off of something the more I am pushed to do it. The reproducing pressure annoyed me just because I was married. They seemed like two different questions – finding the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and choosing to bring a child into the world?
But I don’t think the outside pressure could explain my cooling of the maternal urge.
About a year ago, there was a chance that I could be pregnant. I started wondering – is this a sign? Is this fate telling me that we were ready?
The test takes one minute. During the waiting time I suddenly got a gut-wrenching panicked feeling “OH NO!! I might be PREGNANT!!”
I guess I wasn’t ready.
Last summer we met our brand new nephew. My sister-in law seemed exhausted. The kid was cute, but wrinkly. I wasn’t sold on the joys of motherhood. (My mother pointed out I didn’t call him by name – not a good sign)
We bought the house last fall and I started decorating it. I was “nesting” but I still wasn’t sure I wanted eggs. I hung out with Kalani (my nephew) several more times and he was fun to hold and play with. But I didn’t have to feed or clean or change or put him to sleep. Nor did I want to.
Just in the last week I have dealt with several students who have been trying to deal with bad home lives. Kids who have abusive or abandoning or abused parents that they try to endure or work around. I make calls for them, hug them, be there for them. My heart aches with their pain.
Do I not want kids because I feel like a mother to dozens? I have worked hard not to bring the ache home to my husband, to make sure I can help them without drowning myself. I feel like I need to help all of my students know that they have a safe place to come to, to counteract the effect of shitty parenting.
Or maybe I am just selfish. I was at barbecue yesterday and we were talking about our past trips and the new one we are planning to Vegas. The host said “When you have kids, that all goes out the window.” And without thinking I replied, “Why do you think we don’t?”
He (and others) talked about babies like they were inevitable and joking about the sacrifice. But why should I sacrifice money, sleep, time and freedom for someone that I will always have to worry about? Kids get hurt and screwed up in the best of families. I would have to protect them.
I have seen many women in their mid-30’s go crazy about having a baby. Is there something wrong with me that I don’t have that? Did I miss a special pill they give out that gives me the pull?
What if it’s the wrong decision? I can’t change my mind once I have the damn thing. But what if I realize in 20 years that I should have? Or always wonder what I missed?
Time is running out. I love children and I do want to make sure that the children of the world are safe and happy. But one in my own house? I can barely take care of myself. And I just don’t feel it.
I am 34 years old and from what I understand I only have a few more years in which I can safely and successfully have a baby. I am happily married, we have bought a house, and we are managing our finances. I am a maternal person, and I have been told by several people (including students) that I would be a good mom. But I don’t think I want one.
I thought about it abstractly before we got married, not adversely. Then I forgot about in the wedding and honeymoon fun. It didn’t seem important.
The first sign of trouble was when I got back to work. I was astounded when acquaintances would ask me if I were pregnant yet. It made me want to ask them if they had started a diet yet.
Then the first holidays came up. My in-laws were clearly waiting for it to happen. My father also seemed impatient.
I am an ornery person. I regularly get turned off of something the more I am pushed to do it. The reproducing pressure annoyed me just because I was married. They seemed like two different questions – finding the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and choosing to bring a child into the world?
But I don’t think the outside pressure could explain my cooling of the maternal urge.
About a year ago, there was a chance that I could be pregnant. I started wondering – is this a sign? Is this fate telling me that we were ready?
The test takes one minute. During the waiting time I suddenly got a gut-wrenching panicked feeling “OH NO!! I might be PREGNANT!!”
I guess I wasn’t ready.
Last summer we met our brand new nephew. My sister-in law seemed exhausted. The kid was cute, but wrinkly. I wasn’t sold on the joys of motherhood. (My mother pointed out I didn’t call him by name – not a good sign)
We bought the house last fall and I started decorating it. I was “nesting” but I still wasn’t sure I wanted eggs. I hung out with Kalani (my nephew) several more times and he was fun to hold and play with. But I didn’t have to feed or clean or change or put him to sleep. Nor did I want to.
Just in the last week I have dealt with several students who have been trying to deal with bad home lives. Kids who have abusive or abandoning or abused parents that they try to endure or work around. I make calls for them, hug them, be there for them. My heart aches with their pain.
Do I not want kids because I feel like a mother to dozens? I have worked hard not to bring the ache home to my husband, to make sure I can help them without drowning myself. I feel like I need to help all of my students know that they have a safe place to come to, to counteract the effect of shitty parenting.
Or maybe I am just selfish. I was at barbecue yesterday and we were talking about our past trips and the new one we are planning to Vegas. The host said “When you have kids, that all goes out the window.” And without thinking I replied, “Why do you think we don’t?”
He (and others) talked about babies like they were inevitable and joking about the sacrifice. But why should I sacrifice money, sleep, time and freedom for someone that I will always have to worry about? Kids get hurt and screwed up in the best of families. I would have to protect them.
I have seen many women in their mid-30’s go crazy about having a baby. Is there something wrong with me that I don’t have that? Did I miss a special pill they give out that gives me the pull?
What if it’s the wrong decision? I can’t change my mind once I have the damn thing. But what if I realize in 20 years that I should have? Or always wonder what I missed?
Time is running out. I love children and I do want to make sure that the children of the world are safe and happy. But one in my own house? I can barely take care of myself. And I just don’t feel it.
posted by Portia | 4/30/2006 10:25:00 PM
8 Comments:
You are such a good writer.
I personally think the 100 kids you have right now are enough to handle.
You shouldn't have to prove your motherliness to anyone by having a kid.
Just know that your students love you, and you mean alot to them.
All women should have kids, and because you don't want any, you are a horrible person. But, I'm still wondering why Gordon lets you out of the kitchen in the first place. Guess that shows who wears the pants in your family - perhaps he's the one that should be having the kid - not you.
The only real advice I have (which you've probably already done to some extent) is just to make a conscious choice. Just letting the time slip away w/out deciding not to have kids might leave you with "what if?" questions. But a deliberate choice could help give you the comfort later on. This advice was given to me from some older friends who decided not to have kids.
Lisa and I get that question all the time, too. Having a child just seems like such a massive responsibility that unless you understand all that it entails and are willing to make the sacrifices necessary to raise a healthy child, then I don't think there is anything wrong with not having one.
I am 31 and I still don't think I'm ready to be a father.
Oh dear - the danger of sarcasm over the internet rearing it's ugly head. Tim - bfw is one of my best friends from high school and an old roomate. He is a very enlightened man who enjoys teasing me (and Gordon). He knows how seriously I take so many things and does a good job of making me smile. Neither Gordon nor I took offense to the remarks in his first paragraph because we knew the motive behind it. I believe his second paragraph is where he dealt with the question seriously.
Boy!! I have gotten more comments on the baby question than any other!
this is Nichelle dont let people peer pressure you mrs. Hall people say that i should be a straight A student and im not letting that get to me am i nope so you tell them "if you have the baby for my clean it change it and put it to sleep then i will get pregnant" then see what they say.
hi mrs. hall! this is a question that many people think about but dont think of asking.I mean if u did decide to have a baby would you tell them that you had doubts or that you werent ready? Or that u were glad u didnt "miss" out on anything? I think more people should ask this kind of question out loud. On the other hand many people dont think twice about having a baby and they turned out fine. Like Me! I think that you shouldnt worry, if you do decide to have a child one day, how they will be. Take it day by day, i mean they are the ones growing up. Its to stressful to think about how they will turnout and then point fingers if it goes wrong, or cross your fingers to get it right. I personally think that you would make any child proud to be yours! Oh, and your hubby too!
***amanda***
Ms. Hall, your an interesting lady, my favorite new teacher this year, young and hip (I'll give you the benefit of the doubt), and best of all, YOU LIKE STARWARS. What could be a better mixture than that. You're too cool for school. Except not. Because your a teacher.
7th period
Advice can come so easely from people that have NO idea what they are talking about. not speakigna bout anyone above me, i just mean to say that i am a man, and if i had to be faced with the idea of something large coming out of me that would be one deterant. but the fact of the matter is everyone needs to be emotionally ready to make this large of a step. you Gordon and the baby needs to feel supported. and if you want to drink and play with light sabers then i say fuck yes. the time will come when you least expect it and the answer wont be easy. i know that really helped. you can thank me later.
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