Who Am I?
I am not just talking about the existential question of who am I in the universe. I am talking about the person that I am in different groups. Am I who I am when I am with my students? (And I spend more time with them than anyone else) Or my friends? Is that a different person?
Being a teacher is kind of like being an mini-celebrity. Among a group of people I have a certain image. They happen to be between 14 and 18 years old, but there are several hundred of them. They study me like they study people in magazines. "Do you wear contacts?" "Did you cut your hair?"
At first I was really flattered by the attention, until I remembered something. When I was a senior I had a government teacher who I loved. But as I sat starting at him as he postulated about the future of our society, I would stare at the corners of his mouth. He had little blobs of spit that would gather in the corners. The question was, how big would they get? If he was really lathered up about a subject, they could get pretty big.
It wasn't that I wasn't listening (mostly) or that I was weirdly interested in his face. It was that my job as a student was to stare and listen to this guy every day for months. So that helped get my position in perspective. They will stare at me every day because it's their job.
So what was I teaching them as they stared at me? I was hoping that it was what I was saying or writing on the board. But I soon realized how much they space out my talking. (And of course I did that too in high school.) And I had to insist and grade their notes in order for them to write down what was on the board. So that is clearly not all what they are absorbing from me.
This is of course why high school teachers use a variety of methods to teach BESIDES lecturing. But even if you are only explaining today's activity for 10 minutes every day, that's ten minutes of staring. (That's also why I repeat myself so damn much. "Remember, Thursday there will be a test!" "So on Thursday, when we have the test." "The test on Thursday will be based on the following assignments." Thursday comes; "Please sit down so I can pass out the test." "THERE'S A TEST???" Always at least one who blanks out every time. Sorry - I digress.)
So what was I teaching them as they stared at me? It turns out teaching is not just about your education and training. It is about your appearance, your attitude, your way of interacting with people. I started working on my clothes. I wanted to dress professionally and with style. I wanted to demonstrate that I took my job seriously, and be a role model of how a professional may dress. This was not a skill of mine and so I had to study.
So how should I act? When I first started teaching (as most of us do) I wanted the students to "like" me and so I was nice which often got translated into "wimpy." But at the other end of the spectrum is the school of "don't smile until November" for teachers. The idea behind this is that you are strict from the beginning and so that makes discipline easier.
But I suck at being "hard." I think it's the round cheeks. Nobody believes me. Plus, if I am trying to teach my students how to behave as an adult through modeling, being a bitch didn't seem like the way to do it.
So the longer I teach, the longer my personality at school is defined. I am warm and loving, and always willing to give a hug. I try to have rational conversations with students who are misbehaving rather than yell. I try to hold my temper and pick my battles. And if I do lose it, I apologize for my behavior. I emphasize to my students that I am a human being.
That goes back to our image as mini-celebrities. Students don't see us as human any more than they see people in magazines as human. That's why they are fascinated to see a glimpse of our home lives - it's like looking into another world. They expect us to be at home as we are at school. Or even live at the school.
This leads to weird encounters whenever we are seen outside of the normal. "What are YOU doing here?" when I am at the mall. (Teachers don't shop apparently) And incredulous reactions to me watching TV shows that they do, having tattoos, or anything else that somehow we aren't supposed to do.
There was one young man who was amazed on Fridays when I wore jeans. "Ms. Hall you are wearing normal clothes!!" he would crow every time. But this young man then saw me a lot outside of school preparing for the play (I was the production coordinator). He saw me in SHORTS, he saw me relax, he saw me laugh. And slowly I wasn't this separate person anymore, I was a human being that he just knew.
That's a scary experience for both students and teachers. What if we are just normal people? Are we friends? It's taken a long time for me to figure this out. No, we aren't. Once students get to know me I will not start letting them slack on assignments or skip class. I'm still their teacher. I am still trying to help them become better people.
More and more I have realized that who I am in class is basically who I am. I know other teachers that act totally differently away from the students - like they are on stage. They are meaner or less forgiving in their job than they are in day to day interactions. Sometimes it's weird to see people that I hang out with suddenly become a different person among students.
But how far do I go in the other direction? Now that I have a blog, my students can read it and have commented on it. Do I mention things that I wouldn't mention to students? Am I being a role model over the web? I also have recently started a myspace page. There are people my age group who have ones, and my students. To whom am I talking? Do I discuss things on myspace - out in the world that I wouldn't in front of my students?
How much of my behind-the-scenes life do I show in public? When I first started teaching I had a collection of T-shirts with dirty jokes on them. Then the first time I went to the mall on a Saturday I realized that I probably shouldn't wear them.
Is teacher me different from home me? Not really. I make the same jokes, I am passionate about the same things. I don't cuss or talk about things like sex or drinking, but neither do I talk about TV shows or going out to dinner - that is not part of the job. I also really do love law and history. And science fiction. I really don't like people to make anti-gay remarks. Or say mean things to each other.
Charles Barkley said he wasn't a role model as a professional basketball player. But I am - my job is to teach through modeling and other methods. So what can role models do? If I admit my failings as a human being - am I failing in my job?
Being a teacher is kind of like being an mini-celebrity. Among a group of people I have a certain image. They happen to be between 14 and 18 years old, but there are several hundred of them. They study me like they study people in magazines. "Do you wear contacts?" "Did you cut your hair?"
At first I was really flattered by the attention, until I remembered something. When I was a senior I had a government teacher who I loved. But as I sat starting at him as he postulated about the future of our society, I would stare at the corners of his mouth. He had little blobs of spit that would gather in the corners. The question was, how big would they get? If he was really lathered up about a subject, they could get pretty big.
It wasn't that I wasn't listening (mostly) or that I was weirdly interested in his face. It was that my job as a student was to stare and listen to this guy every day for months. So that helped get my position in perspective. They will stare at me every day because it's their job.
So what was I teaching them as they stared at me? I was hoping that it was what I was saying or writing on the board. But I soon realized how much they space out my talking. (And of course I did that too in high school.) And I had to insist and grade their notes in order for them to write down what was on the board. So that is clearly not all what they are absorbing from me.
This is of course why high school teachers use a variety of methods to teach BESIDES lecturing. But even if you are only explaining today's activity for 10 minutes every day, that's ten minutes of staring. (That's also why I repeat myself so damn much. "Remember, Thursday there will be a test!" "So on Thursday, when we have the test." "The test on Thursday will be based on the following assignments." Thursday comes; "Please sit down so I can pass out the test." "THERE'S A TEST???" Always at least one who blanks out every time. Sorry - I digress.)
So what was I teaching them as they stared at me? It turns out teaching is not just about your education and training. It is about your appearance, your attitude, your way of interacting with people. I started working on my clothes. I wanted to dress professionally and with style. I wanted to demonstrate that I took my job seriously, and be a role model of how a professional may dress. This was not a skill of mine and so I had to study.
So how should I act? When I first started teaching (as most of us do) I wanted the students to "like" me and so I was nice which often got translated into "wimpy." But at the other end of the spectrum is the school of "don't smile until November" for teachers. The idea behind this is that you are strict from the beginning and so that makes discipline easier.
But I suck at being "hard." I think it's the round cheeks. Nobody believes me. Plus, if I am trying to teach my students how to behave as an adult through modeling, being a bitch didn't seem like the way to do it.
So the longer I teach, the longer my personality at school is defined. I am warm and loving, and always willing to give a hug. I try to have rational conversations with students who are misbehaving rather than yell. I try to hold my temper and pick my battles. And if I do lose it, I apologize for my behavior. I emphasize to my students that I am a human being.
That goes back to our image as mini-celebrities. Students don't see us as human any more than they see people in magazines as human. That's why they are fascinated to see a glimpse of our home lives - it's like looking into another world. They expect us to be at home as we are at school. Or even live at the school.
This leads to weird encounters whenever we are seen outside of the normal. "What are YOU doing here?" when I am at the mall. (Teachers don't shop apparently) And incredulous reactions to me watching TV shows that they do, having tattoos, or anything else that somehow we aren't supposed to do.
There was one young man who was amazed on Fridays when I wore jeans. "Ms. Hall you are wearing normal clothes!!" he would crow every time. But this young man then saw me a lot outside of school preparing for the play (I was the production coordinator). He saw me in SHORTS, he saw me relax, he saw me laugh. And slowly I wasn't this separate person anymore, I was a human being that he just knew.
That's a scary experience for both students and teachers. What if we are just normal people? Are we friends? It's taken a long time for me to figure this out. No, we aren't. Once students get to know me I will not start letting them slack on assignments or skip class. I'm still their teacher. I am still trying to help them become better people.
More and more I have realized that who I am in class is basically who I am. I know other teachers that act totally differently away from the students - like they are on stage. They are meaner or less forgiving in their job than they are in day to day interactions. Sometimes it's weird to see people that I hang out with suddenly become a different person among students.
But how far do I go in the other direction? Now that I have a blog, my students can read it and have commented on it. Do I mention things that I wouldn't mention to students? Am I being a role model over the web? I also have recently started a myspace page. There are people my age group who have ones, and my students. To whom am I talking? Do I discuss things on myspace - out in the world that I wouldn't in front of my students?
How much of my behind-the-scenes life do I show in public? When I first started teaching I had a collection of T-shirts with dirty jokes on them. Then the first time I went to the mall on a Saturday I realized that I probably shouldn't wear them.
Is teacher me different from home me? Not really. I make the same jokes, I am passionate about the same things. I don't cuss or talk about things like sex or drinking, but neither do I talk about TV shows or going out to dinner - that is not part of the job. I also really do love law and history. And science fiction. I really don't like people to make anti-gay remarks. Or say mean things to each other.
Charles Barkley said he wasn't a role model as a professional basketball player. But I am - my job is to teach through modeling and other methods. So what can role models do? If I admit my failings as a human being - am I failing in my job?
posted by Portia | 5/11/2006 09:43:00 AM
1 Comments:
are you crazy woman. no one should ever let there job define who they are. it should always be you defining your job. and i think that you do that very well. you are totally right in the assumtion that people stop listening, but the good ones always catch up quickley, and the other ones were lost from the beggining. it is your job to put it out there and thats as far as you can work with it. if they want it, they have to take it. and the other things such as not talking about gays or drugs just makes you a better person. it all comes down to everyone has slightly different personalities depending on where they are. the only important thing is to make sure all of them are YOU and not just masks.
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