The Perils of Almost Parenting

So last June I announced that Gordon and I were looking into becoming foster parents. I strove off with a sense of purpose and calmness, knowing that I knew what I was getting into.

I didn't.

We met with someone from the state about the process. 6 weeks of classes, inspections, and paperwork was what we came away with. I was the first one to say that it freaked me out as we walked out of the state building. Gordon looked relieved.

So then we met with a couple that has been serving as foster parents for several different teenage boys over the years. They were friendly, informative and reassuring. And we were scared completely.

I guess I kind of imagined foster parents being like "parent-lite."But it turns out foster parent is like being a super-parent. A regular parent could screw up occasionally. A foster parent is inspected, and expected to be more than perfect. Why couldn't I just be a grandparent - skipping the whole pregnancy/diaper stuff?

I felt discouraged. But then we decided to put the decision off. We wouldn't want to take on a kid in the middle of the school year - so maybe we could start next summer.

Meanwhile, Gordon and I invited the two boys that started coming to me and then us, for help, over for dinner. At first it was weird. Gordon tried to show off how cool he was - the boys were shy. But we started having them both over.

They have come over 3 times. They work on their homework. I cook dinner and Gordon cleans up. The first time I set the table and one of them told me that he had never had a "sit down dinner" before. They talked "man talk" when I left the room and wrestled in order to get shotgun on the way home. Watching my husband help one of them write an essay for class was so beautiful I wanted to cry.

Happily ever after right? Well - not so much. I don't want to talk about the home life for the two of them, but both of them seem to be able to miss school without consequence. After both of them started missing their 1st several classes I suggested a curfew call. Now we have insituted a wake-up call - for both.

It's so much harder than I thought. They don't want to let me down, but they aren't passing a few of their classes. The math seems like the biggest problems. They seem to get behind, and then don't feel like going to a class they are already failing. I offer to help them - and they try. But it's so hard.

One morning when I called, a mother picked up the phone and sounded mad. I was actually glad she was mad. If I had a son, I would like to know what kind of woman was calling my son early in the morning.

Both of the boys call me "mom" sometimes. I feel weird about that. Even though their relationship with their moms haven't been great, I thought it might be hard on everyone if I were replacing them. But I like it when they call me that.

These boys bring me joy and break my heart seven times a day. "Ms. Hall - I meant to make it to 1st period." "Mom - Thank you for helping me with my homework" "Mom - could you help me get tickets for a concert with a girl?" "Ms. Hall - she said she just likes me as a friend." "I promise - I will get my grade up in English!!" "Ms. Hall - I just can't pass Math!!"

One of them told me that he could get a basketball scholarship and go to a private school. I almost cried - the idea of not seeing them regularly would break my heart.

I thought this would be easier. I guess I thought I could wave my well-adjusted hand at them and majically they would succeed at school, and have a meaningful life. I imagined me crying at their graduation, marvelling at their success. I want to introduce them to my family and invite them to gatherings.

That could still happen, but it will be hard. I am working harder for both of these guys than for any other student. I love both of them (not that I could tell them that - it seems weird). But what if they don't make it? If these guys don't make it - it will hurt more than any other student.

So we aren't parents. We aren't even foster parents. But I care about two boys different than I have before. It's more rewarding and more demanding than anything I have ever done. And I have never been more fulfilled.